I am a conflict resolution professional. I learned a few years ago that I actually enjoy being in the middle of conflict. I seek it out. I am able to stay centered and present when others rage and fume and hurl abuses at each other. I can help transform crippling organizational conflict into healthy dialogue and results that people really want.
And yet, my professional skills seem useless at home trying to get my daughter to clean her room, or my son to eat his peas and rice.
Last night I read a book that helped me understand why. I’ve often contributed my lame home conflict management skills to the fact that managing others’ conflict is easier than handling my own. My emotions are more engaged during disputes with my children, and I am less able to resist the pull into that downward spiral of yelling and threatening to get what I want.
That happens, but that’s not the first mistake I make, according to Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D., author of 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. Before I even open my mouth, I’ve already failed because I’m operating by what he calls The Little Adult Assumption. I think of my kids as Little Adults—little people who are reasonable, rational human beings, just like big people.
I thought this was a respectful attitude. I didn’t realize it was the cause of our problems.
Dr Phelan explains how this assumption leads parents to two problematic behaviors: talking too much and getting too emotional. And when I talk too much, I distract my kids from good behavior.
He suggests a funny, and I bet useful, way to think about the job of parenting. We are wild animal trainers. It’s our job as parents to train, not explain.
When I try to tell my seven year old daughter why I want her to clean her room, she inevitably has 10 reasons why she can’t do it. If I fall in trap of explaining againwhy I want her to do it, which I usually do, we inevitably argue and get frustrated with each other: That is, I talk too much and I get too emotional, and so does she, and around and around we go.
The solution according to 1-2-3 Magic: stop talking, start training. Use the simple 1-2-3 process. Instead of badgering her to clean her room, I’ll let my daughter know when I expect it to be clean. If it’s not, I’ll say, “That’s 1.” If she starts arguing or getting upset, which I’m pretty sure she will, instead of explaining what I’ve already explained, I’ll say, “That’s 2”. When she complains that I’m being unfair, I’ll say, “That’s 3” and then describe a consequence, something like she can’t have her usual afternoon popsicle treat.
Phelan assures me that she will perform, as long as I don’t start talking or getting emotional. And the benefit is that I’ll save a lot of breath and aggravation; I’ll be calm and feel better—about my child and my ability as a parent.
I’m going to try this approach starting today and let you know how it goes.
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