Conflict Hairballs

My daughter called from the family room this morning. “Dad, the kitty is making weird noises. Dad, I think he’s choking!” I walked in to hear Miki, our seven-week old Calico, gagging on something. I’ve lived with enough cats over the years to not be too concerned. “He’s just coughing up a hairball,” I said.

I waited a few moments, watched him gag a couple more times, cough, and then it was over. Whatever was stuck, wasn’t anymore.

I left the room thinking about one of my favorite books about corporate life, Orbiting the Giant Hairball,  and how conflict in organizations is a lot like a cat’s hairball. We often think of conflicts as isolated events; ignoring or refusing to see how one disrespectful gesture or remark gets intertwined with all that was said and done before.

And then, one day, as if awakening to a new reality, we realize, “Geez, this place is toxic.” We find ourselves choking at the mere thought of our workplace, unaware (or unwilling to notice) that we’ve contributed to our own harried situation—one poorly handled conversation at a time.

To dislodge our conflict hairballs, we have to work at them with the persistence of a cat. We need to detangle the issues and discuss them one by one. Otherwise, we run the risk of adding more hairs to the ball, distracting ourselves with mounting conflict, and never discussing the core issues. This can be difficult, messy work at times.

And it can also yield immediate, stunning results. Over the years I’ve worked with many groups that have taken on the challenge to cough up their conflict hairballs. They give me hope that we can create safer, more productive homes and work environments if we take the time to detangle the issues, speak openly, honestly, and respectfully to each other, and actively assume responsibility for the futures we are creating together.

In upcoming articles I’ll share some tips and tools for unbundling conflicts that you can use at home and in your workplace to create your preferred quality of life—and leave the hairballs to the cats.

Comments

[ekta]

There are times when we try hard to come out of a confict, but its like quicksand, the more we try, the more we get dragged into it. I think its very important that we handle conflicts effectively. I would love to learn more about unbundling conflicts and the hairball theory. Keep up the good work. I'll be looking forward to your upcoming articles.