Be Generous: Learning is Tough Work

Last week I wrote about my discovery of a useful tool for modifying my kids’ difficult behaviors: 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. Unfortunately, I unleashed bad behaviors of my own.

After a week, I’ve learned that counting, when used improperly, allowed me to be a raging control freak. The more I depended on counting, the more I met with fierce resistance, and escalated things by upping my own demands.

After my success helping Gabriel change his pull-up disposal practice (see Pick up the Pull-up), I was giddy with success. I counted my daughter Maya for refusing to pick up popsicle sticks in the front yard. I said “That’s one,” and off she ran without a word to pick it up. I counted her later that day for complaining about changing the kitty litter. Again, all I said was “That’s one,” and she sat up a little straighter, spoke more quietly and politely and then headed off to clean the litter.

I felt like a champion wild animal trainer. And then during the course of the week things slowly came apart.

I made three big mistakes working with the counting tool: I was counting while angry; I was using the counting system as a negotiation tool; and I was counting when I should have been thinking more creatively.

I was confusing “Start Behaviors”—things that take more time and attention for a little one to accomplish, like cleaning up a room or eating food—with “Stop Behaviors,” whining, pouting, and yelling.

Counting works well for Stop behaviors. But when I misused it on Start behaviors, power dynamics raged. Start behaviors require more creative approaches like pointing out natural consequences, using simple requests, and giving praise. Knowing what I know about Maya’s competitive spirit, if I had created contests instead of counting, she would have eagerly followed my request to clean the family room one evening. Instead, we had an all out shouting and crying match.

I remind myself of the advice I give to my students when they are learning new conflict management skills: be generous with yourself. As you learn and try to use new concepts and tools, you will make mistakes. Don’t take that as evidence that the tools don’t work. Keep trying,  learn from your successes and failures, adapt and do better.

I’m aware of the problem described in 1-2-3 Magic if I confuse my kids as Little Adults and treat them as such when their Stop behaviors flair; and how helpful it can be, when appropriate, to tap into the reasonable, rational and decent people my kids can be.

Over this last week I’ve learned that I need to use the counting tool more judiciously, more intentionally, more appropriately. And I have other tools for engaging my kids in open, honest and respectful dialogue. I’d say 90 percent of the time, these tools work wonders to improve understanding of behaviors, discuss options, and gain agreements—all while building respectful, loving relationships.

Comments

[Regina Mullen]

Hi Doug:

Great mediating with you yesterday!

Interesting post about children...aren't kids fantastic teachers?!

My take on counting is that, yes I used it, but I didn't use it for anything other than a warning, a chance for my son to think about what he was doing and to give him a chance to make the decision to change his behavior before I changed mine.

Of course he tested the count, but what worked for me was 1) never changing in the same way so that he couldn't predict the change (he just knew that it would be somehow unpleasant) and 2) making sure that he was given the time to think.

Then, it DID become a negotiation, --particularly as he got older, smarter and my inventory of change got depleted. Although my parents would have said otherwise, I though that negotiation was usually a good thing, because I was laying groundwork for the teen years (which I knew would be much more difficult than terrible twos).

For those times when it wasn't a negotiation, but a directive, I made that clear an he "got it" pretty quickly. Sometimes, you simply don't have the patience, and that's ok too.

My luck was that he really is an inherently reasonable kid, so encouraging that quality in him became an abiding objective.

Music helped, and we sang a lot, so one of the non-Sesame Street lyrics that I made sure got plenty of airplay was "you can't always get what you want..."

:o))