The Power of Apology

Sometimes I say things that hurt other people. I may not intend to offend, but I can tell by the reaction that my words cut deep. So what can a well intended person do to repair the damage? I look to Pope Benedict XVI's recent apology for some insights and inspiration.

If I put myself in the Pope's robe for a moment when, during a speech, he referenced a medieval description of Muslims as “evil and inhuman”, I could pretend not to notice the reactions; to ignore the widening eyes, the clenching fists, the yelling on the other end of the conversation around the Muslim world. After all, I didn't intend to insult Muslims. If they choose to interpret what I said in a hurtful way, well, that's their problem. This seems to have been the Pope's first reaction since it took two days for an apology to issue forth from the Vatican.

If I don't notice the impact of my words, regardless of my intent, I’ll miss seeing how I undercut trust, respect and in the end, the results I would like to achieve from the relationship, such as, in the Pope’s example, improved dialogue and understanding between the major religions of the world.

I’ll also miss the opportunity to restore trust, respect and mutual purpose.

If I choose to notice the impact of my words on others and apologize when I realize that my words had an unintended impact, I better make sure that I do the apologizing. When the Pope had his emissary make the first apology, he might have been following proper corporate procedures, but we all witnessed the result. That apology fanned the flames of outrage in the Muslim world. Why? Because a proxy apology doesn't seem sincere.

If I’m not sincere about my apology, better to say nothing. My words, or those of my proxy, will only further undercut trust.

And if I am sincerely sorry, I need to take responsibility for what I said. The Pope tried to calm tensions with his apology on September 17, 2006, but his words fell short for many who had been offended. Why?

Here's what the Pope said: "I am deeply sorry for the reactions in some countries to a few passages of my address at the University of Regensburg, which were considered offensive to the sensibility of Muslims." From that comment, who do you think the Pope believes made a mistake? Him? Or the Muslims who reacted to what he said? I see the Papal finger pointing toward others. And apparently that's how many Muslims interpreted his words as they continued to voice their outrage.

I believe the Pope does want to improve dialogue and understanding between the world’s faithful. I believe his intentions are good. Unfortunately, his apology was faulty. I hope next time when he searches for words that might heal, that he clearly states his sorrow for the words he chose as well as for the impact his words had on others.

Comments

[Lynn Gaertner-Johnston]

Doug, thanks for this reasoned commentary on a very inflamed subject. I agree with your views. The Pope needed to make a real apology. And beyond the apology, an explanation is still missing. WHY did the Pope choose to quote from medieval times? What was the importance of that statement for these difficult times?

I for one am eager to know what the Pope was trying to communicate with that odd citation. Without an explanation, I find I assume the worst.

Congratulations on your blog. If your first posts are any indication, you will certainly make a valuable contribution to the world of ideas.

Lynn

[Ekta]

Doug, I loved your Blog.
I believe, we all have been given freedom of speech but then we must weigh are words before we say them. You and I may still get away with it many times but when a peron is addressing millions he need to be extra cautious...I believe Pope openly talked about a very sensitive issue.
As soon as a child is born we label him Hindu, Muslim, Christian etc...And if a few in that community happen to spread violence the whole community image is tarnished...that's what's been happening here.

[Wasiq]

Doug,

I agree with you that the apology was faulty. I also appreciate one of the comments: "And beyond the apology, an explanation is still missing". Its really bad seeing a person representing a community commenting on somebody else.

Anyways, its high time now. Lets stop commenting and pointing fingures at others. Enough of voilence around the world. Lets practice our own faiths and lead a peaceful life in which ever part of the world we are in.

Wasiq