When I begin working with clients who are in conflict, they often are so focused on their conflict that they lose sight of the result they really want to achieve. They dig in, want to win or be right, and don't realize the impact their conflict has on things they really care about.
I once mediated a dispute between a divorced couple who were struggling to resolve issues concerning their parenting plan. Let's call them Rachel and Bob.
Rachel didn't want Bob to take their eight year old son, Malcolm, to his grandmother’s house, which was out of state, during summer vacation. Bob insisted that he had the right to do whatever he liked during his time with Malcolm, especially during vacations.
As they discussed the issue, both of them became more frustrated, more convinced of their convictions (the boy shouldn't go, the boy should go) and less willing to see the other's perspective.
I asked if either of them had a picture of their son. They both did. I asked them to place their pictures of him on the table . With their son's picture in view, I asked questions to help them regain their focus on what they cared about.
"What concerns you about Bob taking Malcolm to his grandma's house for a vacation?"
Her reply surprised me. She said that she had nothing against Bob's mother. In fact, she really liked her and missed being in contact with her since the divorce.
"Does it concern you that Malcolm would being out of state, so far away?" I asked.
No, she said. She trusted that he would bring her son back from where ever they went.
"What concerns you about their vacationing at Grandma's house?" I asked again.
She said that her ex-husband's mother wouldn't notice if he started drinking again. The silence between them deepened. I felt a mix of relief and anxiety in the air. His posture stiffened and his face got red. I suspected that he felt stung by her accusation.
Bob glanced down at the picture on the table. Sometimes when things finally get real, it takes time for them to settle in. He took a moment, his body relaxed, and he spoke carefully, assuring her that he had stopped drinking and wouldn’t endanger their son like that.
They were on their way to resolving their summer vacation dilemma in a way that met their true concerns.
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